It was another beautiful day in The Villages and things were going well until we glanced out the window. We saw a vicious, 18-foot-long boa constrictor lurking on our front sidewalk. He was as big around as a volley ball, had 8-inch fangs, and was foaming at the mouth.
Okay, I do have a tendency to exaggerate. He wasn’t really a boa; he was a blacksnake. And he wasn’t really 18 feet long; it was more like three feet. But it was a really, really big three feet. It was clear he had been working out, and I’m pretty sure he was growling.
We then did what any sane couple would do. We barred all the doors and windows and hid in the closet. Paris the Wonder Dog was a little confused but we gave her a Beggin’ Strip and she went to sleep. We got a little hungry, too, so we ate all the Hershey bars we had in our survival kit for the Huge Hurricane That We All Know Is Lurking Out There.
After waiting long enough for the snake to die of old age or get run over by a tipsy golf cart driver, we ventured out. The killer snake had gone but it reinforced the fact we’d moved into an area like the town on “Zoo,” the creepy TV show about animals ganging up to obliterate human beings.
Our first inkling of animals taking over came when we first arrived in Florida and pulled into a rest stop on I-75 near Ocala. A sign there said something to this effect: “Warning! Huge snakes and monster alligators hang out here and can leap down out of the trees to devour you, your young, and your SUV!”
We survived the dangerous rest stop but, soon afterward, we had our first experience with the angry critters of The Villages when approximately eight gazillion lovebugs assaulted us, our car, and our golf cart.
Most people think lovebugs are totally harmless, but a guy at a bar in Lake Sumter Landing told me the whole story. Lovebugs, he said, are trying to fly into your ears. When there, the big mama lovebug dislodges the scrawny male lovebug. He makes his way up your ear canal and begins eating your brain. When he’s full, the wimpy little male lovebug flies out and is promptly devoured by the female who goes out looking for a younger, and better looking, male.
Since I heard that story in a bar, it has to be true. Anything said in a bar must be true. It’s a rule. The same rule of truthiness applies to everything that appears on the internet and anything Brian Williams says on TV.
If monster snakes, huge alligators, and lovebugs aren’t enough, they now tell us that coyotes are prowling around The Villages, looking for squirrels, small pets, or really short people to eat. It actually makes no sense that coyotes are in The Villages. Coyotes are supposed to be home on the range, howling at the moon, and eating prairie dogs and little dogies before the dogies get along home.
We obviously have to rid The Villages of all these terrifying wild animals. One method would be to bring Otto the Orkin man back out of retirement. But since there’s no increase in Social Security benefits this year, we need to find a cheaper way.
First, we feed all the snakes and coyotes to the alligators. Then we turn the lovebugs loose on the alligators. Assuming the lovebugs can find the alligators’ ears, they can dispatch the little scrawny male lovebugs to gobble up the gators’ teeny-weeny brains.
Not sure how we then get rid of the lovebugs. I’m going to ask the guy in the bar.