One of the really wonderful things about living in The Villages is using a golf cart as a method of transportation. It’s probably a pretty safe bet that everyone here either drives or rides in a golf cart – at least every now and then. According to the Internet, there are about 65,000 cart carts in The Villages and more than 100 miles of golf cart paths (recreation trails, if you want to be fancy) crisscross our ever-growing hometown.
The numbers on golf carts and the distance of the golf cart paths are definitely correct. They have to be correct because the information came from the Internet. Everything on the Internet has to be true. We know there are only three sources of information that are 100 percent accurate: the Internet, network TV news and comic books.
Nearly all of us are careful and courteous golf cart drivers. We travel at a reasonable rate of speed and respect our fellow drivers, sharing the roadway happily. However, there are a few isolated buffoons out there.
For example there is NASCAR Norman, the world’s greatest NASCAR fan. He has a big “43” on one side of his golf cart and a big “3” on the other side. Norman could never make up his mind if he liked Richard Petty or Dale Earnhardt Sr. better. Norman goes roaring down the golf cart trail like he’s at Talladega. He passes every golf cart in sight and nobody ever, ever passes him. There are others who drive in a similar fashion as Norman. They include Kamikaze Karl, Freeway Frank and Beltway Betty. If you see any of them behind you, get out of the way – quickly.
At the other extreme, we have Slo-Mo Sammy. Sammy is a really, really large person who drives an oversized electric golf cart. The cart and Sammy both move at about the speed of a turtle with arthritis. Equally slow is Teatime Tillie who is on her way to the weekly Wednesday afternoon tea with the girls at her favorite country club. At the first gathering, the group actually drank tea. For each Wednesday in the four years since, tea has been replaced by wine, martinis and margaritas. It should be about 10 minutes from Tillie’s house to the country club. She left her house an hour ago and she’ll still be late.
Teatime Tillie is not to be confused with Tee Time Tony. Tony has a tee time in seven minutes and nothing is going to get in his way and make him late – that includes other golf carts, bicycles, joggers, small dogs and sand hill cranes. Give him plenty of room.
Canine Charlie always rides in his golf cart with his 120-pound dog. The dog has a habit of jumping on Charlie’s lap and blocking the entire windshield. Charlie’s dog also slobbers a lot. It’s a purebred Big Black Dog.
Stinky Stanley hits you with double-barreled stench. First, his golf cart belches out gas fumes that were outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Even worse, Stanley smokes a big, nasty looking green cigar that probably cost 18 cents. Stanley doesn’t have many friends.
Street Illegal Irving sees all those golf carts on Morse Boulevard and Buena Vista Boulevard so he thinks he should join then. Irving believes that automobile drivers in The Villages are all incredibly friendly since they keep waving at him or blinking their lights and blowing their horns.
Malcolm in the Middle has decided that his side of the golf cart trail is in the middle. Everybody else needs to move over.
Blink-Blink Bennie always uses his blinker light to signal when he’s going to turn. Of course, he’s still signaling for a turn he made last October.
Padiddle Paula – Paula has been driving around in her golf cart for three years with one headlight out. When she’s driving straight at you late one night, just pray that the single headlight you see is her left headlight, not her right one.
Hour Harry is always on his way from Happy Hour somewhere or to Happy Hour somewhere. He never met a beer he didn’t like. Some of Harry’s friends didn’t know he drank until he showed up sober one day.
Dangerous Daniel Doofus is a member of our golf cart drivers Hall of Infamy, not because of his golf cart driving but because of the way he drives his car. Dan occasionally has senior moments and turns his monstrous gas-guzzling SUV onto a golf cart trail. He does fine until he get to a tunnel.