Stop, Google, you’re scaring me!

Tech giant is trying to control every aspect of our lives.

Someone is stalking me. Rather, something is stalking me.

I know its name. I know where it lives. And it knows me. In fact, it knows way too much about me.

Please, Google, leave me alone. It was nice for a while. I was a man with informational needs, and you were a handy search engine ready for action. I agreed to your terms and conditions, even if they seemed a little selfish: “Google retains the right to name your first-born child ‘Google,’ ‘Googie,’ or anything that rhymes with Google, for example, ‘Boogle,’ ‘Foogle,’ ‘Moogle’…”

The years went by and each birthday, you’re always first to wish me “Happy Birthday!” when I turn my computer on in the morning, which is really kind of creepy. I don’t actually remember telling you my birthdate, so it makes me wonder what else you know about me. The animated cake and candles are colorful, but some of your illustrations are just plain weird. What’s going on in your head, Google?

And please stop asking me to use Google Chrome. I told you from the start I wasn’t into Chrome, but you keep badgering me. I can’t go anywhere without you popping up and asking, “Sure you don’t want to try Google Chrome?” No means no.

You remind me about every place I’ve been and everyone I’ve looked at, and you’re always anticipating everything I say and correcting my spelling—it’s smothering. I don’t know what buttons to push to get through to you. You’re a control freak.

How did it get so intense? You’re everywhere. Now you’re trying to get into other areas of my home with your smart speakers and your “Google Assistant” with that disconcertingly perfect voice. What’s her name? Never mind, I don’t want to know her name. I also don’t need to know how much fiber is in an avocado or how to say, “Where is the velodrome?” in Finnish. First you try to dominate, now you want to submit to my every whim. You’re coming off as needy and desperate.

I never thought it would come to this, Google, but you’re making me think of other search engines. Bing. There, I’ve said it. Bing, Bing, Bing. Bing doesn’t ask any questions, it just lets me be me.

Enough is enough, Google. No more drama. If you don’t stop tracking me, I’m going to call the police. I’ll just look that number up on Goog…aaahhh!!!