An open letter to Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.
Mr. Jeff Bezos
Chief Executive Officer
Dear Mr. Bezos:
The entire civilized world has gone totally bonkers over your announcement that Amazon.com Inc. will soon open a second headquarters to complement the original one in Seattle. We’re told that the new headquarters—cleverly named “HQ2”—will be a $5 billion project and create 50,000 highly paid jobs.
Localities around the United States and Canada are slobbering on themselves trying to convince you guys in Seattle to locate good old HQ2 in their hometown. The decision on location won’t be made until next year, but Amazon said nearly 300 groveling locations embarrassed themselves with shameless pitches for the headquarters. The cities have done everything but offer their first-born child to Amazon, and some mayor will probably come up with that idea soon.
Stonecrest, a town in Georgia, has offered itself up for sacrifice. If Amazon will come there, Stonecrest will de-annex a big chunk of land and create the city of Amazon, Georgia.
With all that said, Mr. Bezos, this is my pitch to have you locate your new headquarters in the Lake and Sumter counties area of Florida.
But before I start, is it OK if I call you Jeff? You and I have so many amazing things in common that we ought to be on a first-name basis. First, we are both males who were born in January and we both have four letters in our first name. What are the odds of that? Remarkable, huh? There’s more, Jeff. You own the Washington Post. And I have read the Washington Post! Not just once, but two or three times!
The real telltale sign of similarity that shows we are soul brothers comes in the figures for our financial worth. The media says you are worth $84.1 billion. Would you believe that I’m worth at least $84.1 thousand? Coincidence? I think not.
There are plenty of things we can do to attract Amazon here. First, the weather is great. We have more sunshine in one day than Seattle has in a year.
We’re going to make you an offer you can’t refuse and we’re doing it without Luca Brasi, who, unfortunately, has been sleeping with the fishes for a good while now. However, if we need some muscle, Luca’s grandson, Luckenbach T. Brasi, still is in the business. If he needs help, Luckenbach can call in Waylon and Willie and the boys. Just saying…
The first incentive we’re offering is a tremendous tax break. We can guarantee that you and your Amazon staff at HQ2 won’t have to pay any Florida income tax. Wow, great deal, huh?
That Georgia town just wants to name one dinky thing for Amazon. We can name dozens of things. First, there more than 1,000 lakes around here. (It is “Lake” County, duh.) You can take your pick of lakes.
We can also add a Village of Amazon in The Villages. You can name all the streets and villas in the Village of Amazon. Name something for yourself, your wife, each of your kids and your dog. If you don’t have a dog, we’ll give you one. Or an alligator, if you prefer. Try finding an alligator in Seattle.
We know you lived in Florida for a while, Jeff, and that you graduated from high school in Miami. How about if we rename the Miami Dolphins and call them the Miami Amazons or the Miami Jeffs? (The Miami Bezoses just doesn’t have a good ring to it.) Better still, why don’t you buy the Seattle Seahawks and bring them with you?
The Dead River in Lake County has a pretty disgusting name anyway, so we should rename it. We can’t call it the Amazon River since there’s already one of those in South America, and there are some pygmy guys who live on the original Amazon and they might get mad. You don’t want to tick off pygmy guys since they dip their arrows in poisonous frog juice. If you get hit by a frog-juiced arrow, the worst thing that can happen is you die in 1.17 seconds. The best that can happen is you get a bad case of warts. The pygmy guys should be OK with renaming the Dead River as the Amazon Prime River.
When you locate your Amazon HQ2 in the Lake-Sumter area, it will create about 50,000 new jobs. Most of the people hired have a spouse, two cars, and children. So we’re adding about 100,000 cars to Florida’s Turnpike and U.S. Highway 441. And we’re adding another 100,000 or so people who will be ahead of me in line at my favorite restaurant.
On second thought, Jeff, disregard this letter. A town called Amazon, Georgia, sounds perfect for you and HQ2.