Welcome to 2018! Happy New Year!
That makes good sense to those of you who are reading this article in January of the new year of 2018. However, if you’re reading this in your doctor’s office or your dentist’s office, “Happy New Year” sounds weird since it’s probably November 2018 or March 2019. So disregard the fact that you know who won the Super Bowl and act like it’s the first week of 2018.
Traditionally, this is the time when people make New Year’s resolutions. We all know what a waste of time that is. New Year’s resolutions are usually admirable things like losing weight, quitting smoking, or exercising more. The resolutions generally last until the second or third football game on New Year’s Day.
Instead of New Year’s resolutions, let’s focus on some new rules that will make all our lives better and saner. We’d never get a full agreement on new rules for everyone, so we need a benevolent dictator—a King of the World—who will make these decisions. Thank you, I will be glad to accept this important position. We’ll start with only four edicts. We can follow up with more later but there are four major issues that need to be corrected immediately.
Show some respect to actors. Yes, they are real people!
How many times have you seen a commercial on TV when the voiceover announcer somberly informs us that “These are not actors. They are real people.” How do you think that makes the poor actors feel? Actors are real people with feelings. Show them some love.
Where are the actors’ unions during these times of grave insults to their members? Call the Screen Actors Guild-American Federation of Television and Radio Artists. SAG-AFTRA represents 160,000 professionals in the news and entertainment businesses. A cynic might question whether there’s any difference between news and entertainment, but that kind of snide remark is below the dignity of the King of the World.
In any event, we must show some love to the misunderstood actors of the world. Begrudgingly, we’ll also extend recognition as real people to the worst actors of them all: members of Congress.
Attention news media: quit picking on grandmothers!
There was a time when the news media concentrated on exposing evil and investigating covert actions by politicians and other organized crime. But no more. All the media does today is pick on grandmothers.
Check your local newspaper or watch TV news. Time and time again, you’ll see stories that highlight bad things about grandmothers: “Grandmother Flashes Rose Bowl Crowd,” “Grandmother Knocks Off a Liquor Store,” “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
You never, ever see the word “grandfather” in a headline. It’s just “Man Bites Chihuahua,” even if the old coot is 96 and has 38 grandchildren.
This is a problem that started with the Mainstream Media. However, it has now spread to the Upstream Media, the Gulfstream Media, and the Down by the Old Millstream Media.
All the grandmothers, grandmas, grammies, grannies, and nanas of the world need to join forces and picket news media outlets everywhere. Memaws of the world, unite!
Make the lovebug the official insect of Florida
Those of you who are trivia nuts may know that Florida already has a state butterfly—the zebra longwing, or Heliconius charithonia as we say after a few beers. It is acceptable to have more than one state insect. (Bug-crazy Tennessee has four state insects.)
The ideal choice for a Florida state insect would be the cuddly lovebug. Twice a year, the lovebug swoops in on Florida to smash against our windshields and fly into our noses and hair. During all that time, the lovebugs are happily hooked up and flying around making baby lovebugs.
Lovebugs don’t have long on this earth, even if they are happy. So let’s add a little more joy to their short lives by making them the state insect. Then squash their guts flat.
So what do we do about that toilet lid?
One of the great dilemmas facing the human race is what one should do with the toilet lid after one is finished with the facility. Most males wimp out and leave the lid down, yielding to pressure from their significant others.
It is time to fight back. Those of us who stand in the facility deserve to have the lid left up occasionally. Sometimes we’re in a hurry.
The King of the World has a simple solution, one that is fair to all concerned. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, everyone leaves the lid down. And on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, everyone leaves the lid up. What could be more fair?
Obviously, that leaves us with a problem on Sundays. In the best tradition of King Solomon, the King of the World has a simple solution:
On Sundays, we all use the back yard.