Hello, my name is James, and I’m a Facebook-a-holic.
It’s a terrible addiction. Unlike the high produced by drugs, Facebook consistently delivers a devastating low. The daily dose of hard-core political opinions, boring status updates, goofy selfies, and annoying invites have made me question humanity.
I thought I had kicked the habit. I was clean for 45 days. No posts. No scrolling through my news feed. No communication on Facebook messenger.
Today, I relapsed. I made the monumental mistake of reactivating my account to see what I’ve been missing. Not much, apparently. Here’s what my news feed looked like today.
- Brian provided the first of 13 status updates that give us play-by-play details of his mundane day. “Driving to work,” he wrote.
- Brittany posted nine pictures of her children. They haven’t grown much since the 11 pictures she posted yesterday.
- Larry fished for compliments by posting a photo of his muscular body and writing, “I feel fat today.”
- Patricia was depressed and used a frowning emoticon to reinforce her mental state. When worried friends asked her what’s wrong, she responded, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
- Richard posted a picture of his car’s temperature gauge and made an earth-shattering announcement: “Florida is so darn hot in the summertime.”
- To commemorate his upcoming birthday, Billy asked friends to donate to his favorite charity, “Save the Whales,” without making a donation himself.
- Jane declared that she has “the best hubby in the world” followed by the hashtags #luckywoman, #lovemyman, #theloveofmylife, #heisthebest.
- Kevin posted a news story about a silverback gorilla that wandered from Africa to London and uncovered the real identity of Jack the Ripper.
- Susie posted “Prayers, please” but didn’t tell us why.
- Bob, a staunch conservative, referred to Joe Biden as an “amiable dunce.”
- Katherine, a bleeding-heart liberal, referred to Donald Trump as a “racist pig.”
- Teddy shared his GoFundMe page to help fund his dream vacation to Hawaii.
- Debbie has been a real downer with her hypochondria. Today, she woke up constipated. The day before that she had an awful migraine headache. The day before that she thought she had testicular cancer.
- Rick invited me, an avid meat lover, to like his Facebook page, “Go Vegetarian Today for a Healthier Tomorrow.”
- Billy Bob Ray posted a photo of his dinner: liver smothered in sardines and potted meat.
- Timothy made an emotional blackmail post. “This is a cat named Bob. Bob was abused and lost sight in both eyes. This is a test to see how many likes and shares Bob can generate. If you refuse, you must hate animals.”
I’ve seen enough. I’ve had enough. This time, I’m deleting my Facebook account.
Right after I comment on Debbie’s post and offer the perfect cure for constipation.