One hundred forty-seven requests to play Farmville helped me reach that realization.
Actually, it’s more than that.
I joined Facebook to keep abreast of what my family and friends were doing. I loved the idea of hitting an icon and instantly seeing who got promoted, who had a baby, who was embarking on cross-country cycling trip, who was auditioning for a reality show.
Turns out, my Facebook family members aren’t doing any of those things. They don’t have time; they’re too busy posting nonsense on Facebook.
The last time I looked:
- Dawn had a migraine. Her car broke down the day before. The day before, she had a migraine. The day before, she “felt like poo.” Her most positive post this year was “There’s not enough coffee. Just sayin’.”
- Angie posted photos of her grandkids. Same photos she posted last week. I can’t stand those kids … and I don’t even know them.
- Karen invited me to take the “How Crazy Are You?” quiz.
- Carrie posted a video of a dancing orangutan with the headline, “When Your Kids Have To Go Back To School!” Fourteen other friends posted the same video this month.
- Jim shared a screenshot of the five-day weather forecast with the comment, “I love this cool weather.”
- Dale invited me to take the “If You Take the Red Pill, You Become Fluent in Every Spoken Language, If You Take the Blue Pill, You Master Every Instrument in the World, Which One Would You Take?” quiz.
- Jewell misses her dead dog. The day before, she had a dream about her dead dog.
- Chaz misses his departed father. He also missed his dad last week. And the week before that.
- Dave invited me to take the “How Crazy Are You?” quiz.
- Jennifer sent me a video of a man in a Mentos suit being dropped into a tub of Diet Coke.
- Brittany changed her profile photo back to the profile photo she had in July.
- Deborah invited me to take the “How Redneck Are You?” quiz.
- Molly said, “I love you.” But I have no idea who she’s talking to.
- David posted a new selfie … for the 11th day in a row.
- Ken invited me to take the “How Crazy Are You?” quiz.
- Ellen keeps posting cartoons of an animated Ellen with captions like “Ellen eats spaghetti while her cat watches.”
- Terry is bashing Obama. Again.
- Mickey shared another photo of her horse. To me, it looks like the previous 22 horse photos she’s posted. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
- Ned sent me the, “Which City Should You Live In?” quiz.
- Tina lost another pound after a two-hour early-morning workout while my fat self slept.
- Courtney keeps posting photos of pugs dressed like humans — wearing sunglasses, hats, scarves, etc.
Perhaps I need new friends. Or maybe Grandma Rita was on the money when she said, “Some people just talk to hear themselves talk.”
So I’m going to sign off, say farewell to Facebook and return to emails, letters and phone calls to keep in touch with family and friends.
I’m serious. I’m done with Facebook. I’m signing off. I really am … right after I watch this video David posted of the Muppets signing the Beastie Boys’ “So What’cha Want.”