All the news that’s unfit to print

Journalism’s priorities get tangled in the web.

And now the news, with actual headlines ripped from the pages of the most trusted and fascinating news site, the World Wide Web:

Earth dodged at least six apocalypses in 2017.

Seven if you count Kid Rock deciding not to run for Senate.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are breaking royal protocol already.

The sidebar was headlined, “Please, please, put me out of my misery and end it all now so I never, ever have to read another insipid story about fake royalty.”

What the Victoria’s Secret Angels look like without a lick of makeup.

Here’s a wild guess: they look pretty good.

Eating these foods might help E.D.

Or just have a peek at the Victoria’s Secret Angels.

Argentinian farmer unearths two-ton mystery.

Could it be a UFO?

Is the United States still looking for UFOs?

Yes, in Argentina.

Market prediction: Gold collapse will wipe out trillions.

Thanks for the heads-up. Note to self: Sell your trillions in gold.

Things you might not know about Ina Garten.

Such as, who the hell is Ina Garten?

Inside the home of Instant Pot, the kitchen gadget that spawned a religion.

I believe in Instant Pot, the almighty pressure cooker, creator of heaven and earth…and great potatoes!

I tried the ketogenic diet for 30 days—here’s what happened.

Two guys grabbed me, put a hood over my head, threw me in the trunk of a car, and drove me to a deserted Betty Crocker warehouse, where I was forced to worship a kitchen gadget. Lost 10 pounds, though.

Is it really safe to eat food that has freezer burn?

Of course. It’s part of the ketogenic diet.

Ivanka Trump wears ‘inappropriate’ miniskirt at official event.

Inappropriate perhaps, but does dinner with dad at McDonald’s really qualify as an “official event”?

The real reason we don’t hear about Paris Hilton anymore.

A nation’s prayers were answered?

Sketchy things everyone ignores about Kaley Cuoco.

Yeah, what’s up with that girl? She never answers my tweets and now she’s hangin’ with Paris Hilton. Very sketchy.

What most people don’t know about ‘The Flintstones.’

Wife swapping, an illegal dinosaur-fighting ring, corporate espionage over the invention of the wheel, addiction to Brontosaurus burgers. Bedrock was a cesspool.

Study reveals after you die, your brain knows you’re dead.

Another study reveals that after you read “news stories” online, you’re brain-dead.