Political candidates that may be a little more to America’s liking.
It has become abundantly clear that Americans don’t like their elected officials. Lots of people dislike the current president. Lots of people disliked the last president. And the one before him. And the one before him. You have to go all the way back to 1841 when William Henry Harrison was president. He died after 31 days in office and wasn’t around long enough for people to learn to dislike him.
It’s not just presidents. We don’t like vice presidents, senators, congressmen, governors, cabinet members, and on down the line to the local mayor.
This is not right. We should like and respect our officials. So, instead of electing sleazy people, why don’t we choose our candidates from those we love and adore? And who do we love and adore more than Muppets and cartoon characters? You can’t dislike a fuzzy little Muppet. And you have to love the folks from cartoons and comic strips who have big heads and bulging eyes and only three fingers and a thumb on each hand.
We’ll still have elections. They’re too much fun to give up. We need a dose of mud-slinging and nasty accusations. Presidential elections every four years are like the quadrennial World Cup of Soccer—though not so deadly dull. Besides, the TV stations need the money that comes from all those vicious political ads.
There is a plethora of good candidates in the world of Muppets and cartoon characters. (“Plethora” is one of those great words that you use under one of two conditions: a) you’re showing off or b) you have a new thesaurus.)
Let’s start with the candidates for president and first lady. First ladies are more important than vice presidents, right? The first candidates are Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. They may not be married, but living in sin doesn’t count for a frog and a pig. You’d have to love a green and furry president and a first lady who is a diva, spouts French words, and knows karate.
Our other candidates are Mickey and Minnie Mouse, who have been loved by generations of Americans. They are married (Walt Disney said so), although there is a great story about Mickey wanting to divorce Minnie. The judge tells Mickey he can’t divorce Minnie because she’s “acting crazy.” Mickey answers, “I didn’t say she was ‘acting crazy,’ I said she…” Unfortunately, the story becomes R-rated at this point so you’ll have to make up your own punch line.
We won’t need a vice president. Toons and Muppets don’t have vices. They’re also immortal. Even if they weren’t, nobody would want to hurt them because they’re so cute and cuddly.
For secretary of state, we have several highly-qualified candidates. Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig all would do well in the job.
Nobody can understand what any of them are saying, so can you imagine how they would confuse the Russians and Chinese? Any time the U.S. point of view was challenged, Porky could demolish the opposition by saying, “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”
Either Scrooge McDuck or Mr. Burns from “The Simpsons” would make a great secretary of the treasury. If the country was running a little low on cash, Scrooge or Mr. Burns could float the United States a loan of a few zillion dollars—with a really big interest rate that is compounded hourly. Tax evaders would be dealt with quickly when Mr. Burns says, “Release the hounds.”
Our choices for secretary of defense are Yosemite Sam and Big Bird from “Sesame Street.” We would be safe from all enemies. Nobody would challenge Sam’s two six-guns, and the mere sight of an 8-foot-2-inch yellow bird would scare the bejeebers out of the bad guys.
The secretary of agriculture position gives us the choice of two distinct directions we could follow in U.S. food production. Do we choose the healthy route with Popeye and develop massive quantities of spinach? Or do we follow the happier route and opt for Cookie Monster and an endless supply of his favorite goody?
For secretary of housing and urban development, we can choose between two real veterans of the comic strip business: Li’l Abner and Snuffy Smith. Li’l Abner lives in Dogpatch, and Snuffy lives in Hootin’ Holler. They both live in shacks and neither one of them has the slightest idea about housing or urban development. This makes them both fully qualified for a federal position.
Unfortunately, we can’t find a proper position in the new administration for one of the greatest of all toons, Donald Duck. Despite Donald’s many wonderful qualities, it is doubtful that even Washington, D.C., is ready for someone who wears a sailor hat and a shirt but no pants.