Lake and Sumter Style Magazine
06:33 am
24 January 2019

14,675 steps to a healthier you

Illustration: Josh Clark

Look no further – here’s your guru.

The start of a new year is an important time. A time for reflection. A time for inspiration. A time when people think about changing their lives.

But many of us don’t know how to find guidance. If you want to adjust your attitude, one “expert” might suggest meditating while another tells you to go bungee-jumping. If you’re concerned about your diet, one “nutritionist” might recommend soy milk while another tells you to drink grain alcohol—grains are good, right?

Who can you trust?

Fortunately, we have a wonderful opportunity today to bask in the wisdom, the insight, the genius of a great guru. If you want to change your life, he can be your life coach. He’s an expert in mindfulness, cosmic connectivity, atomic nutrition, how to beat stress (especially during the holidays), and traffic school.

His name is Dr. Joseph Schmo, and his latest book is entitled, “$29.95 for a Happier You.” It’s another in his series of 77 self-help books detailing 14,675 steps to life fulfillment. It’s available in print, online, audiobook, DVD, podcast, download, upload, sideload, streaming, rippling, babbling, and telepathy.

Q: Welcome, Dr. Schmo. What have you been up to lately?

Schmo: Thank you, glad to be here. I’ve just returned from an 18-month sabbatical in the mountains of Kathmandu, the plains of the Serengeti, and the casinos of the Mississippi River.

Q: That sounds enlightening. For the uninitiated, or anyone who’s been living in a sensory deprivation chamber, let’s establish your credentials. What did you study in college?

Schmo: Interpretive dance. Comes in handy when you’re flying on organic beet juice.

Q: Where did you get the title “doctor”?

Schmo: That’s just an ironic nickname I picked up, like when you call a tall person “Shorty” or a one-armed man “Lefty.”

Q: What title would you give yourself?

Schmo: I used to be a health empowerment conversationalist. Then I became a soul purpose sherpa. Today, I consider myself a holistic, intuitive healer of the mind-body continuum.

Q: What does that mean?

Schmo: I have no idea, but doesn’t it sound cool?

Q: When I was a kid, I don’t remember the concept of “mindfulness.” It was called “thinking.” Can you explain your philosophy?

Schmo: Mindfulness is a concept in which you open yourself up as a receptor to the message of your being and entering the light of your soul.

Q: How do you unlock this concept?

Schmo: “Open, Sesame!” I’m just messing with you. Mindfulness merely requires intense concentration and the guidance of 77 or so books. Mindfulness is big business.

Q: What’s your tool for coping?

Schmo: The “positivity pebble.” Everyone should carry a pebble. When you’re down, at your lowest, squeeze that pebble and think to yourself, “I may be a speck in the universe, but at least I’m not a pebble.”

Q: Inspiring. What about nutrition? I suppose you recommend natural foods?

Schmo: Anything you can find in your yard.

Q: Like garden vegetables?

Schmo: Nope, Bermuda grass. Just go grazing. I learned that when I was a greenskeeper at Hilton Head. If you suck up a bug or two, all the better.

Q: Is there more to life than pebbles and bugs?

Schmo: We all share something I call a “heart.” It’s an organ in the body. Everybody gather ’round your magazine or computer screen. Grab your spouses and neighbors. No, not your pets. Get in closer. Get over here! We’re going to get very close and very quiet. Feel our hearts beat as one. Feel our universal connection. Hear the rhythm of our breathing. Someone had a chimichanga for lunch. Quiet, everyone. Shhhhhhhh. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Q: Wake up, Dr. Schmo! Any last words of wisdom?

Schmo: You want to be happier? Stop whining, man up, and enjoy each day. And buy my book.

Words to live by, Dr. Schmo, words to live by.

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